most of these are terrible.
#31 - Not a chess joke
A grandmaster and a fool are playing chess.
The grandmaster takes a pawn and says "Checkmate!"
Then, the fool flings the board up in the air, thus the pieces.
The fool says "I win!" (Shakes his rear end)
The grandmaster says "No, you lost, you fool!"
The fool says "True, but I won in the 'up in the air' game!"
The grandmaster flings the fool up in the air.
WHAM!!! The sound of the impact of the fool hitting the ground.
The grandmaster says: "I won both games!"
The grandmaster takes a pawn and says "Checkmate!"
Then, the fool flings the board up in the air, thus the pieces.
The fool says "I win!" (Shakes his rear end)
The grandmaster says "No, you lost, you fool!"
The fool says "True, but I won in the 'up in the air' game!"
The grandmaster flings the fool up in the air.
WHAM!!! The sound of the impact of the fool hitting the ground.
The grandmaster says: "I won both games!"
A grandmaster and a fool are playing chess.
The grandmaster takes a pawn and says "Checkmate!"
Then, the fool flings the board up in the air, thus the pieces.
The fool says "I win!" (Shakes his rear end)
The grandmaster says "No, you lost, you fool!"
The fool says "True, but I won in the 'up in the air' game!"
The grandmaster flings the fool up in the air.
WHAM!!! The sound of the impact of the fool hitting the ground.
The grandmaster says: "I won both games!"
The grandmaster takes a pawn and says "Checkmate!"
Then, the fool flings the board up in the air, thus the pieces.
The fool says "I win!" (Shakes his rear end)
The grandmaster says "No, you lost, you fool!"
The fool says "True, but I won in the 'up in the air' game!"
The grandmaster flings the fool up in the air.
WHAM!!! The sound of the impact of the fool hitting the ground.
The grandmaster says: "I won both games!"
What kind of checkmate expired a year ago?
Stalemate.
Stalemate.
Anyone know any good ones? All the ones I've read so far have been pretty awful...
The first two stories have been translated by me from Spanish. If there are any errors please excuse my English.
In a simultaneous exhibition, Fisher won his opponent's queen, but as soon as Fischer left, his opponent put back the queen on the board. The game continued normally, and the man was bragging about the fact that the genius hadn't noticed it. Seven moves later, Fisher won the queen again, but this time he put it in his pocket and took it with him, without saying word.
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In an important competition, Petrosian grabbed the queen to make a move. As soon as he did that, he realized that moving the queen would lead to a clearly losing position for him, so he put the queen on his cup of coffee pretending it was a mechanical error and then apologized to his rival.
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After Alekhine had taken the championship title from Capablanca, Capa spent quite a bit of his spare time hanging out in a specific cafe in Paris. Friends, acquaintances, and others would often drop by, participating in games and libations with the former, charismatic, champion. One day, while Capa was having coffee and reading a newspaper, a stranger stopped at his table, motioned at the chess set and indicated he would like to play if Capa was interested. Capa's face lit up, he folded the newspaper away, reached for the board and proceeded to pocket his own queen. The opponent (who apparently had no idea who Capablanca was) reacted with slight anger. "Hey! You don't know me! I might beat you!", he said.
Capablanca, smiling gently, said quietly, "Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you."
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In a simultaneous exhibition, Fisher won his opponent's queen, but as soon as Fischer left, his opponent put back the queen on the board. The game continued normally, and the man was bragging about the fact that the genius hadn't noticed it. Seven moves later, Fisher won the queen again, but this time he put it in his pocket and took it with him, without saying word.
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In an important competition, Petrosian grabbed the queen to make a move. As soon as he did that, he realized that moving the queen would lead to a clearly losing position for him, so he put the queen on his cup of coffee pretending it was a mechanical error and then apologized to his rival.
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After Alekhine had taken the championship title from Capablanca, Capa spent quite a bit of his spare time hanging out in a specific cafe in Paris. Friends, acquaintances, and others would often drop by, participating in games and libations with the former, charismatic, champion. One day, while Capa was having coffee and reading a newspaper, a stranger stopped at his table, motioned at the chess set and indicated he would like to play if Capa was interested. Capa's face lit up, he folded the newspaper away, reached for the board and proceeded to pocket his own queen. The opponent (who apparently had no idea who Capablanca was) reacted with slight anger. "Hey! You don't know me! I might beat you!", he said.
Capablanca, smiling gently, said quietly, "Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you."
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A jounalist asked Mikhail Tal:
It might be inconvenient to interrupt our profound discussion and change the subject slightly, but I would like to know whether extraneous,abstract thoughts ever enter your head while playing a game?
Tal: Yes. For example, I will never forget my game with GM Vasiukov on a USSR Championship. We reached a very complicated position where I was intending to sacrifice a knight.
The sacrifice was not obvious; there was a large number of possible variations; but when I began to study hard and work through them, I found to my horror that nothing would come of it. Ideas piled up one after another. I would transport a subtle reply by my opponent, which worked in one case, to another situation where it would naturally prove to be quite useless. As a result my head became filled with a completely chaotic pile of all sorts of moves, and the infamous "tree of variations", from which the chess trainers recommend that you cut off
the small branches, in this case spread with unbelievable rapidity.
And then suddenly, for some reason, I remembered the classic couplet by Korney Ivanović Chukovsky "Oh, what a difficult job it was. To drag out of the marsh the hippopotamus".
I do not know from what associations the hippopotamus got into the chess board, but although the spectators were convinced that I was continuing to study the position, I, despite my humanitarian education, was trying at this time to work out: just how WOULD you drag a hippopotamus out of the marsh? I remember how jacks figured in my thoughts, as well as levers, helicopters, and even a rope ladder.
After a lengthy consideration I admitted defeat as an engineer, and thought spitefully to myself: "Well, just let it drown!" And suddenly the hippopotamus disappeared. Went right off the chessboard just as he had come on ... of his own accord! And straightaway the position did not appear to be so complicated. Now I somehow realized that it was not possible to calculate all the variations, and that the knight sacrifice was, by its very nature, purely intuitive. And since it promised an interesting game, I could not refrain from making it.
And the following day, it was with pleasure that I read in the paper how Mikhail Tal, after carefully thinking over the position for 40 minutes, made an accurately calculated piece sacrifice.
It might be inconvenient to interrupt our profound discussion and change the subject slightly, but I would like to know whether extraneous,abstract thoughts ever enter your head while playing a game?
Tal: Yes. For example, I will never forget my game with GM Vasiukov on a USSR Championship. We reached a very complicated position where I was intending to sacrifice a knight.
The sacrifice was not obvious; there was a large number of possible variations; but when I began to study hard and work through them, I found to my horror that nothing would come of it. Ideas piled up one after another. I would transport a subtle reply by my opponent, which worked in one case, to another situation where it would naturally prove to be quite useless. As a result my head became filled with a completely chaotic pile of all sorts of moves, and the infamous "tree of variations", from which the chess trainers recommend that you cut off
the small branches, in this case spread with unbelievable rapidity.
And then suddenly, for some reason, I remembered the classic couplet by Korney Ivanović Chukovsky "Oh, what a difficult job it was. To drag out of the marsh the hippopotamus".
I do not know from what associations the hippopotamus got into the chess board, but although the spectators were convinced that I was continuing to study the position, I, despite my humanitarian education, was trying at this time to work out: just how WOULD you drag a hippopotamus out of the marsh? I remember how jacks figured in my thoughts, as well as levers, helicopters, and even a rope ladder.
After a lengthy consideration I admitted defeat as an engineer, and thought spitefully to myself: "Well, just let it drown!" And suddenly the hippopotamus disappeared. Went right off the chessboard just as he had come on ... of his own accord! And straightaway the position did not appear to be so complicated. Now I somehow realized that it was not possible to calculate all the variations, and that the knight sacrifice was, by its very nature, purely intuitive. And since it promised an interesting game, I could not refrain from making it.
And the following day, it was with pleasure that I read in the paper how Mikhail Tal, after carefully thinking over the position for 40 minutes, made an accurately calculated piece sacrifice.
A police officer comes to a knight and says: "You were swerving pretty bad out there. Let's see you if you can walk in a straight line.
The knight: " Aw, snap!"
The knight: " Aw, snap!"
good
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